I did not live the most luxurious life you can imagine nor do I have everything I want. But I do have some luxury, or at times, more than "some" of that luxury. Truth to say is, I lived a comfortable life, if not privileged. The security I have in my life is something definite. I have not gone through the hardships that some of my contemporaries in my generation have gone through. I was never away from my mom's eyes (except for 6 short months), I never stopped going to school, and I never doubted that my life will lead to something productive.
I have everything I want in my life now. I sometimes look at my life from a stranger's POV and I actually believe I am lucky in so many aspects. When I pray at night, I could not ask for anything more except for God to take care of the people in my life, and to continue showering us with His blessings.
That's what scares me the most.
Have you ever felt the fear that comes from something totally unreasonable? I am scared, yes. I am scared because everything in my life is working the way I wanted it to be. I am scared because I have everything I need and want. I am scared because I could not ask for anything more.
I fear that in the future I have to sacrifice something for all the blessings I have received today. I fear the day that'll I have to pay for everything.
Sooner or later, I know something will come into my life that will change the way I feel about life. I know something will happen that will force me to take stock of what and who I have in my life. I know something will eventually push me to be a better person--to come out of my mom's protective shell. So I fear that when that day comes, I won't be able to confront my demons.
I want t be strong for everyone, and I am trying to be. I want to be the person my mom envisioned me to be. But how can I be? When just thinking about what may come scares me to death? I cannot live this way forever. One way or another I have to face reality. Let go of the reigns except trying futilely to hold on to it forever.
I do not have everything a person can ask for in my life. That would be a long stretch of the imagination--to even say that. But I do have what I want and more than that, I have what at times, I don't even need.
Its scary, because if you cannot ask for anything more then the only way for you to move forward is to lose something.
And that I cannot afford.
